Am I Loosing my Mind?

Feeling overwhelmed? 😔 I’ve been feeling like I’m carrying way too much on my shoulders. I’ve been taking on too many self-inflicted responsibilities upon myself.  Finances, job & business, my health – Jaye’s health, our home, my friends & family. As a mom, a wife, a caretaker, I’m a key player in taking care of others and while I usually manage all the moving parts pretty well, but there times when it all feels so heavy, too much & it doesn’t take much to trigger that “I’m loosing it” feeling. This morning, it was the dishes piled up all over your kitchen, the dirty fridge (I threw out ALL storage containers) & the AT&T text confirming my automatic debit payment. 😲 Maybe for you it’s your little one needing something from you. Or you realize you’re late for work or you see a disappointing number in your bank account.

These small moments of responsibility, frustration and interruption add up and feel so heavy in a split second & suddenly…I feel overwhelmed, exhausted and feeling like a weak woman. 

Sister, breathe & breathe AGAIN – this too shall pass and it’s going to be ok. You’re ok…you’ve been here before – it’s uncomfortable, it debilitating and scary, but you’ve survived and these feelings can’t break you. Check yourself, you may be over invested & caught up in exaggerated feelings. Pray sister – squash those lies with truth. Grow through it…you are a warm glow of light shining and you can’t be dimmed by the demands of life. ✨ Shine Bright, sister. You are not your responsibilities. You are not your relationships. You are not your situation. The fact that you carry that weight with a desire to do it all with love makes you special: strong, capable and beautiful! 

You are not alone. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6 

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. ~ Deuteronomy 31:6

That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!” ~ Mark 4: 35-41

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Lean in & Lay it Down

I like answers. I like understanding. I’m stubborn and I’m not good with asking for what I need. Some would say that I’m controlling (who me?). 🤔 YET, I’m pretty good at putting expectations on others that they are unaware of OR not capable of fulfilling. THEN, feeling disappointed, holding on to resentment and in anger screeching “never mind, I’ll take care of it myself.” 

My morning prayer time revealed that God was waiting with open arms to carry my load if I can release it to Him…I thought, how & what do I need to lay at His feet? So, I drank my ketones, laced up my sneakers and set out for a run 🏃🏻‍♀️…I can always count on those ketones, nature, running and prayer for clarity. I mean…what the heck do I need to lay down, Lord? 

Oh, boy…did I have some shit to lay down this morning. 

I looked around, I appreciated the cooler temperatures, the fall foliage, my legs to carry me…& then it hit me. Appreciate it all, because so much can change in a year. 👀 RIGHT? It seems like 2018 has been defined by pre stroke and post stroke. Our life, our plans for the future shock to the core & now we live in a space of unanswered questions. I can’t fix Jaye or make it better. He’s struggling, I’m struggling and our life is DIFFERENT. I’ve attempted to carry the load and weight myself. I’m hanging on by a strand and STILL holding on to what was…not really accepting that it’s ALL different now.  I’m hurt, I feel helpless & in all honesty, I’m resentful. I’m scared of what our future looks like. 

In admitting these feelings…I gained clarity on what it was that I needed to surrender. I realized that in order to live out God’s plans for us #better …I needed to release the past, the expectations, the roles that defined us, the hurt, the way we used to express love…OUR needs are different. What was is no longer. In order to move forward I need to surrender, lean in, trust without understanding…give our burdens to God rather than trying to carry it by myself.

I may not know how to solve our problems, but I do know that I can lean on the One Who does know. Sisters, look around…be grateful for everything. Let go of whatever it is that is taking up space, let it go to make room for God to do His thing. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

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JOY in Trials 🎶

“In Moments Like These.” 🎶

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ~ James 1:2-4 (NIV)

We all experience trials and every trial can be redeemed by God for good. We may not be able to control our circumstances, but we can control how we think about our circumstances. When bad things happen, we can say, “This is terrible. This is a bad day. My life is going wrong. Why is this happening to me?” OR we can say to ourselves, “This is a bad thing, but I will get through it. I will learn and be stronger. I will grow and rejoice, even while it hurts.”
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Gosh, this command is hard. Why does it have to be this way? Well, sister…because trials produce endurance. They’re like exercises for developing muscles and strength in personal spiritual growth. Trials: test and confirm our faith. They grow our trust in God and create endurance. Trials make us bitter OR better. They reveal what we truly value.
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To joyfully let God shape our mind, feelings, habits, desires, and body while in trial is how we allow endurance to complete a work in us.
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The way we mature spiritually is by knowing there is a purpose in the trial, enduring it with joy, and preparing for the next trial to come with more joy & clearer perspective.
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In the midst of pain, trial, grief, and discomfort, Lord – help me to remember to sing! “Blessed be Your Name.” 🎶D95523D6-1531-48B8-996C-ACE5F3C5C73E

Joy – no matter what.

32ED3921-5DA9-4E3E-9894-FDFDEF20A4E1Tuesday morning.  I hit snooze and when the second alarm rang…I rolled over and immediately felt the aches and pains from yesterday’s workout…uggg AND what I choose to do next, set the tone for my entire morning.  I gave power to my natural cynical feelings of dread instead of my choice to live spirit led.  I was snappy with Jaye, frustrated with Joel and then, they were out the door…off to work and school.  I wasn’t feeling good…my body was aching and I was feeling gloomy.  I didn’t like it and I was feeling guilty for not being very loving this morning. Years ago…this is how I lived every day.  Reactively allowing my days to be controlled by my feelings from whatever the world through my way.  But, I’m not that woman anymore and God was stirring in my heart a recognition of that in me this morning.  JOY…it’s a choice and a practice, sista and it doesn’t come easily to me.  Some days, I recognize those old patterns rising up without much reflection and other days…they sneak up on me and before I know it and the day is gone…leaving me feeling full of regret.  This morning, it wasn’t clear to me until I did ONE thing that changed my entire morning.  I took a walk.  One healthy choice to unplug, go out into nature, get quiet and allow God to speak to me.  In the awakening of the morning, I was overwhelmed by the sounds and sites – unspeakable and undeniable clarity that overcame me and brought me back to a place of joy and gratitude.  JOY – no matter what.

It’s never too late to start your day over…not feeling good?  Is God stirring something inside of you that you’re just not sure about?  Choose one healthy thing…breathe, get quiet, pray, do something GOOD for yourself – open your heart and your ears…allow God to do what He does best.  Start OVER.

Thank you Lord for meeting me exactly where I am today and always.  For never giving up on me and for your complete love and faithfulness.  I love You and I need You.  Allow my story to give Glory and Honor to You, Lord.

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ. ~ Philippians 1:9-10 (NIV)