I like answers. I like understanding. I’m stubborn and I’m not good with asking for what I need. Some would say that I’m controlling (who me?). 🤔 YET, I’m pretty good at putting expectations on others that they are unaware of OR not capable of fulfilling. THEN, feeling disappointed, holding on to resentment and in anger screeching “never mind, I’ll take care of it myself.”
My morning prayer time revealed that God was waiting with open arms to carry my load if I can release it to Him…I thought, how & what do I need to lay at His feet? So, I drank my ketones, laced up my sneakers and set out for a run 🏃🏻♀️…I can always count on those ketones, nature, running and prayer for clarity. I mean…what the heck do I need to lay down, Lord?
Oh, boy…did I have some shit to lay down this morning.
I looked around, I appreciated the cooler temperatures, the fall foliage, my legs to carry me…& then it hit me. Appreciate it all, because so much can change in a year. 👀 RIGHT? It seems like 2018 has been defined by pre stroke and post stroke. Our life, our plans for the future shock to the core & now we live in a space of unanswered questions. I can’t fix Jaye or make it better. He’s struggling, I’m struggling and our life is DIFFERENT. I’ve attempted to carry the load and weight myself. I’m hanging on by a strand and STILL holding on to what was…not really accepting that it’s ALL different now. I’m hurt, I feel helpless & in all honesty, I’m resentful. I’m scared of what our future looks like.
In admitting these feelings…I gained clarity on what it was that I needed to surrender. I realized that in order to live out God’s plans for us #better …I needed to release the past, the expectations, the roles that defined us, the hurt, the way we used to express love…OUR needs are different. What was is no longer. In order to move forward I need to surrender, lean in, trust without understanding…give our burdens to God rather than trying to carry it by myself.
I may not know how to solve our problems, but I do know that I can lean on the One Who does know. Sisters, look around…be grateful for everything. Let go of whatever it is that is taking up space, let it go to make room for God to do His thing.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6